isa kang obsesyon

kahit naman sabihin ko sayong mahal kita, hindi ka maniniwala e.
kahit mabasa mo pa to, hindi ka magkakaideya na ikaw ang sinusulat ko.
wala naman kasing konkretong rason kung bat ito ang nararamdaman ko para sayo.
meaning: HINDI KO DIN ALAM!!!!
para ka lang namang pader pag nakakausap.
ni hindi ka pa nga nagpapakilala saken ng lubos.
sa kakapiranggot at madadramang lalakeng nakilala ko, iniisip ko na lang na normal ka kaya hindi ka nagbubukas ng emosyon saken.
ni hindi nga ata kaibigan ang tingin mo saken...
...simpleng kakilala lang.
...extra sa buhay mo.
...nang-iistorbo lagi sayo.
kebs ko na lang... patuloy ka sanang maistorbo
tutal, lagi mo lang naman akong dinededma e.
bat naman kasi nagustuhan kita kung kelan huli na,
bat naman kasi ako pinaglaruan ng tadhana na makausap ka pa nung huli na.
umasa tuloy ako.
demet.

naiinis ako.
bat ba hindi ko maalala yung mga panahon na gusto kitang burahin sa mundo?
di sana, ok ang lahat,
masaya-saya naman ako at wala akong iniisip na tuod.
una sa lahat, hindi naman talaga kita type...
hindi kita type,
at hindi kita type.
ay nalimutan ko, hindi nga pala kita type.
biruin mu yun, hindi pala kita type?
kadalasan naman ng nagugustuhan ko e yung kabaliktaran mo...
mga may pagka-bading (hindi yung screaming a, yung mukang bi naman),
o yung mga mukhang tangahin,
o basta yung may ibang personalidad, yung weird.
e ikaw?
WALA!
WAG KANG UMASA!
WALA KANG PERSONALIDAD
FRIENDLY KA LANG.
ni hindi ka man lang kaenlab-enlab.
walang kaamor-amor ang aura mo.
meron lang talagang time na mukha kang manyak.
uu, wag mong ikaila..
marunong akong mangilatis ng manyak dahel madami-dami na kayo.
painosente ka lang usually.
lam kong may kulo ka rin.
pero sa rate ko ngayon,
na parang nag-iba ka na...
nako..
siguro kahet maghubad pa ko sa harap mo at ikiskis ang sarili ko sayo, wala pa din e.
ngingitian mo lang ako tas aalis ka na...

sana hindi na lang tayo nagkausap...
o sana kahet ngayon ngang nakakapag-usap tayo...
sana tinulungan mo naman akong maTURN-OFF sayo,
sana bulgar ka na lang sa pagiging manyak mo para lalayuan kita,
sana nagyayabang ka na lang lagi saken para masarap kang sapakin at tadtarin ng pinong pino,
o sana lalake din ang type mo.

taena naman e.
tas filing ko pa ngayon may IBA kang gusto at seryoso ka dun.
kung meron man, sana ligawan mo na agad
at syempre ibroadcast mo sa buong mundo para malaman ko rin...
...nang hindi na ko umasa sayo.
demet.

if i know,
GINAYUMA MO KO.
demet.

sana ngayon, gabi-gabi mo kong mapanaginipan...
...yung wet para magdusa ka.
tas pag nagkita tayo ulit e gahasain mo na ko.
wakamag-alala, tiba-tiba tayo pareho.
hwehehehehehe...

down and pissed...

i wanna cry...

T__T im really hating my chem171 subject.

i really am doomed to fail...

pakshet!


ayoko ng teacher,
ayoko ng classmates kong mga ass...
panget pa standing ko
tangena
okey lang sana kung pumapasa e
but no..
hindi e!!!!

tangena nila...


buti na lang..
maraming nagmamahal saken kahet na ganun..
nasusuya na ako sa torment, sa aking existence sa klaseng yun..

i really lacked the motivation.

though in a way,
i know..
some part of it... just some of it... not entirely... is my fault.

wala kasi akong GANA!!!!!!

tangena nila...

sinu bang gaganahan sa ganun..

tas yung 2 lang sa nakakausap ko dun e iniiwasan pa ko nung isa!!!

halu... wala naman akong kakasala-kasalanan
pinapansin ko naman sya tas dinededma pa rin nya ko
ni hindi pa nga nya sinosoli yung gown na hiniram nya tas ganun na lang yun?!!

ambabaw a!!
hebi!

hndi ko na nga sya sinisisi kung bat hndi ako nakagawa agad ng s.p. e.

tangena.

alanganamang magsori ako dun.
haher...

***

o well anyways...
buti na lang talaga ay may nangyayaring maganda sa buhay ko sa kabila ng lahat ng yon.

my spcm is well..
my practicum also..
got of loads of new great friends (my students per se)

and i don't give a damn to those shitloads of a subject and classmates
or...
my brain is all shit!

but ive been receiving lots of love right now...
and its too good to be true...

hays...
atleast...

TT___TT may nagpapasaya pa rin saken... TT___TT
at alam kong matatanggap din nila ang kahinaan ko...
TTTTT_____TTTTT

baby is this love for real?

....let me in your arms to feel the beating of your heart.....


i'm starting to get tired of waiting for something that will surely won't happen....
i'm just wasting my time....
still, a tinge of hope kept on haunting me....
things from the past... alone... that won't help in this misery....
i'll try to move on..
try to forget...
try... to begin a new life....
to be truly happy....
with someone worth wasting time with...
with my "new-found" self...
and have a real closure...

It's rude to stare....

Will you have some manners?
Please…
Don’t stare at me like that.
It’s annoying me big time.
I don’t really know you
And I haven’t done anything to you
So stop bothering me!

There were times that you don’t
And I am thankful for that
But in cases that you do,
It really builds a great confusion
- between the two of us
I haven’t even met you before,
Have we?

I’m new to these
I can never decipher your messages
I experienced different glances from you
Sometimes it’s blank
Sometimes it looked mesmerized
Sometimes I think it’s just an illusion that someone as good-looking as you (though not my type) is actually captivated by me
Sometimes it appeared like the whole world has stopped
Sometimes I see an uneasy pair of shifting eyes when we passed by each other
Sometimes it’s just smiling, saying high in a very erotic manner
- smiling, smiling… and making fun of me!
It really is, infuriating…
And my confusions are arising.

Please, tell me exactly
What did I do to you for you to make me suffer like this?
If you have any problems,
Tell it straightly to my face!

It’s been around 5 long months,
That you harnessed my anger to get to know you.
I hate it.
I hate you.
‘Cause I’m missing you.

It will be a year now since I last saw that look.
Stupid, and getting on my nerves.
I never paid much attention to those gazes.
I never thought that it would affect me greatly this way.
Unconsciously, behind those eyes,
I have given my soul to you.
No, you stole it.

I gave birth to obsession last summer while you were gone.
And he’s growing up faster than expected.
He’s healthy and impossible to die at this moment.
I even got him insured.
I finished my stressful first semester with him,
And celebrated even my birthday and Christmas holidays.
Up to now, we’re still together – with you in our hearts
In every core of its’ beating.
Please, kill him.
Or teach me how to…

My intense anger now turned to my endless yearning for you
Of course, you wouldn’t know.
You don’t even know me very well.
You’re such an airhead if ever.
But I don’t mind.
‘tis the truth no matter how shameful it might be.
It’s your entire fault.

Clammy cold hands surfaced at the very sight of you
Those familiar eyes never cease to belittle me
I cannot look straight up to you anymore
I was afraid that you would see that my fury has gone
And that it has been replaced with my untold fascination
You were capable anyway.
Or so I think.

Throughout the growth of obsession,
I got the chance to get to know you personally
We finally had little conversations.
It was not good enough.
The stares you made seemed to be a misunderstanding.
I almost thought that it never existed.
You never were interested in me.
I’m not sure anymore.
From the first time that I saw you looking like you did,
Initial reactions led to the conclusion that,
You were, somehow, attracted to me…

I now heed no mind into whatever was the reality.
I’m too stubborn to accept that I didn’t matter to you.
Because sometimes, it breaks me in two.
For the times that I thought of accepting it,
It garnered me nothing but deep sorrow, and negligence to my world.
But I know what I saw.
I know what you did.
Don’t dare to deny me…

My current feelings are strong and possessive.
They, somehow, are unsuitable for your calm disposition.
I also know, that we’re not meant for each other.
We’re too different.
I’m willing to adjust.
But the constant variables we have do not really jive.
We were used to the opposite extremities in life.
Worlds apart.
And I am no good for you.
A fact.
I went that deep.
For you,
For us….

I began dreaming about you.
My thoughts are relished with the strangest unfathomable craving to have you.
Just for once,
For my satisfaction.
I wanted to touch you,
Hold you,
Kiss you,
Taste you to a never-ending embrace,
And feel your warmth with a tinge of wrath.
I would like to give my all, as to capture the whole of you.
Every inch, raging, submerging to my very being.
Hear me cry for pain.
Feel it.
Explore it.
And for the last time, I wish to see those eyes again…
- hungry… aching… wanting me… sparkling with lust…
… and savoring my every desire.


########
i just hope that my friends won't get the chance to read this...
i love you guys...
call me crazy...
please treat this as another secret,
or just forget everything that you've read.
i'm trying to squeeze all my creative juice in here..
hahaha...

It pays to be patient

Hays. I got the crazy class and it has been really exhausting spending a whole lot of time with them. Haha. But I loved it. I love ‘em the way they are. I can somewhat relate to their antics. Hahahaha. Though I cannot remember myself that extreme when I was in high school (in front of a teacher). O well. Hahaha. It was really a nice experience being with them. I just wish that a can do any good to them – and influence them to be a nicer being. Fulfillment. This is it. I hope I won’t have any problems with them and vice versa. Now I really know how to hope for the best of others… REAL DEAL – whole-heartedly – without any feeling of competition.

It’s fun being a teacher. I got the chance to know more interesting personalities and influence young minds. It is a key to greatness – a step to change the world. But, on the contrary, one must have to sacrifice most of their “chi” and life-energy to be effective. And, it’s not a very easy thing to accomplish.

(Horoscope: All your patience is paying off -- that certain someone is finally ready to open up.)
= I sure hope so.

dramarama: artista ako

Kanina kadiri…
Umiiyak ako sa bus!
Kaasar ang emo ko nun..
Buti na lang may dala akong tissue.
Tinitipid ko pa nga nun..
Gusto ko pa sanang irecycle yung mga nasingahan ko na kaso dyahe..
Baka may nanonood saken..
Siksikan pa naman nun at standing pa…

Feeling ko tuloy.. para akong nakipagbreak sa boypren..
O kaya tinutym
O kaya basta na lang iniwan
O kaya dalagang nabuntis at hindi alam ang gagawin..
O kaya suicidal
O kaya mamamasukang katulong sa maynila at mahihiwalay sa pamilya
Waaaaa!!!

Naman kasi… nagtext si bakla nung umaga… touched ako.. ahuhuhu..ahuhuhuhu…
Tas binasa ko ulit sa bus pauwi kasi nabobore ako..
Tas ayun nagkaron ako ng realization…

I really am so grateful to have quality friends like them… na alam kong mahal na mahal din ako… haaays..
Waaaaaa… ahuhuhuhu… namimis ko na sila..
Amazing lang..
I love my friends.. TT__TT
I love you guys…
and I mean it from the bottom of my broken heart.. hwehehehehe… o ha cliché pa yan...

i'm feeling happy

i was with gela last thursday.
i just got out of my make up class for stat1..
i decided to go straight home to freshen myself up from the stink my tired body gave off..
i just remembered..
we were supposed to have a meeting at jade's dorm.
suddenly, gela and i walked across into each other at the carabao.
i was then forced to come along with her to the meeting..

she's got good news...
one of my crushes has been to the campus.
as she texted earlier..
what's more... she's got the pics..
ahahaha...
crazily....
a stalker type of a friend and i love it...

an encounter...
we were continuously walking to reach our destination.
i was grumbling and whining about the disease of my phone when
we suddenly bumped into my future husband...
o God... im too crazy about him..
he didn't notice me at first..
so i slapped-slash-squeezed him in his arm with my left hand.
and then he shouted... HOY!
he turned to look at me...
i looked at him...
i was also shocked at the moment..
it never occurred to me that the circumstance would be "that" weird...
i was dumbstrucked.... and speechless...
none... gave a smile from both of us...
just the the two pair of eyes that said no words..
in the span of about 5 seconds, i turned away...
it was awkward...
i admit...
i was awkward around him...
no one can blame me...
he's too cute!
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..............
now i wonder why he didn't smile at me..
was it because i didn't smile first?
was it because of my awkwardness?
or was it because he was awkward around me, too...
oh, great,, another wishful thinking...
that little spark never ceases to me...
a tinge of hope always gets me going.
wishing...
dreaming...

smiles... nonstop smiles and hallucinations...
we were happy..
we were gay..
gela was happy for me too...
it was indeed an encounter...
she also noticed my oddity back there...
that couldn't be helped...
it already happened.
i kept rewinding my thoughts to the memory...

still.... he didn't know...
i don't want to give him the creeps..
i just told him that i was starstrucked at him.. at the moment.
he asked why...
i gave no definite answer...
i told him that i didn't know...
i'm fine just seeing him... and getting the chance to talk to him every once in a while...
enough not to miss him too much...
enough to know more about him...
i already know what i didn't like about him..
it's not that he oftenly snobs my presence...
i can understand myself under his shoe when with someone you're not totally interested with...
(yeah... bitterness aside..)
it was that...
he was such an achiever...
i wasn't...
he have big dreams...
i have none..
we're too different...

closer together...
it actually slipped my mind that i have a thing for him...
in most cases when we talk online..
i really have this big tendency... erm.. well more like a defense mechanism to irritate/tease/insult/annoy the people that i am very fond of...
i dunno if its ok..
i know... i will never have a boyfriend because of it...
o well... getting back...
i have increased my knowledge of him...
the latest... i now know that he's nearsighted..
and he has also been curious to the oddity of his stare...
i gave no explanation...
its not the right time to speak it out..
i totally forgot the phrases that defines it.
he has been a fan of my other crush...
oh.. shucks.. both of them are high achievers...
at least.. the mentor/older once told me that i am beautiful..
hays...
i really didn't like him like this before...
he's just another weird creature with weird stares...
yeah... sometimes he wasn't just looking... he's already staring... and i don't know why...
is his nearsightedness an enough reason for it?
oh well...
enough about it...
what's important was that he was there..
especially at times of depression and i needed someone to confide with...
though i don't open much to him...
luckily...
he was there... not knowing that he's making me really happy.. =^___^=

the question.......
what's this?
what is this feeling?
what is this thing that i have for him?